i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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