dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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