so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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