what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
