Four minutes until I can fart!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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