Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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