did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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