Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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