peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
