My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Operation Purity has been aborted
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
