The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
