I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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