Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just invented taco cereal.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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