dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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