please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
