Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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