i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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