did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
