I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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