god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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