Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
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i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
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I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"