had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator