Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
