Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
