I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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