her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
