o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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