Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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