Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
