my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
