this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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