I think scott just propositioned me for sex
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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