I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
