There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
