3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
