Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
