i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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