Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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