dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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