I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
