Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Randomize
