So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize