i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
