The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
