I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
