Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
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I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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