my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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