Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
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My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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