They should really pass out barf bags in church
My balls are so social today.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
