True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I have aggressive nipples.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
