I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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