I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
