Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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