Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
