I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
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