He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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