It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
