As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
