i don't like sucking hair
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Randomize
