when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
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I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
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i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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